Tony.
Dead. Feet on the ground and my hands by my side. A piece of me was gone forever. My heart hurt and heavy sinking into my stomach. My insides churning. My palms sweating. A friend of mine had died. Unable to speak I found myself lost amongst a thousand thoughts spinning in my head. I could taste nothing but the fear of what was next, my mouth dry and my taste buds craving water. I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. I couldn't cry.
28th July 2006. My best friend Tony died. I remember his smile, his shining intense eyes, I remember his touch, and his wonderful and memorable laugh. I remember how I loved him and still do. Almost summer time and the air filled with the smell of freshly cut grass, the city buildings tall and still. Time stopped when we were together. He used to hold my hand, and his grasp on mine seemed never ending.
"A rare sight to see Tony smile" people would say, and this was true. He didn't have things easy. He lost his mother, his father was aggressive, no siblings to hide with, on anti-depressants and stuck in a dead end job. He had the world against him. He smiled when I was there. Tony had a certain poetic being about him and complimented the world around him but never once did I hear his tender voice compliment himself.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Hospital machines a familiar sound. My fourth trip to the hospital to see my friend lie still. Mutterings behind me, the doctors knew him well. An overdose they told me, a suicide attempt. I simply held his hand in mine, and whispered in his ear "I'll be back my darling, tomorrows morning I'll be here".
Then I could not cry.
I told him how I love him, how I need his special touch, how every second without him was simply far too much. Walking home together through the city streets. The buildings tall and still. The smell of freshly cut grass was gone. We said goodnight and parted. We went our separate ways. The streets I walked were quiet then. All I could think of was him.
Then I could not cry.
The weeks after the previous trip to the hospital seemed endless. Like time itself had stopped. His threats of suicide became more frequent; his poetic charm was lost amongst his words. Fowl words. He took up a filthy habit we call it drink and drugs. The boy I knew was distant forever lying still. An unbearable effect this had on me, thoughts spinning in my head.
We spent his last night talking, his constant threats a routine. I ignored them all. I told him how I love him, how I need his special touch, how every second without him is simply far too much. I told him he should sleep on it, he told me life's untrue. I plainly said "I love you." The land of dreams was calling. I couldn't stay awake. My eyelids slowly closing. I had given in.
I woke up late next morning, all was quiet and still. The technology that lay next to me shone bright. I'd received a text. Clocks ticking, minds spinning, Tony was okay! Heart lifted, eyes widening, Tony was okay! Clocks ticking, minds calming, Tony was okay! Text open, words exposed. Tony wasn't okay. I remember those words to this day. They read:
"Tess, Tony's gone. His threats were real. OMG you OK? Get back to me ASAP baby xxxxxxxxx Vix"
Then I could not cry.
Clocks ticking. Loudly. Mind spinning. Frantically. Heart sinking. Heavy. Eyes closing. Not real.
his funeral came so suddenly. His friends, no family surrounding me. I sat still and quiet. everything had always been, still and quiet. The people around me shed tears and said goodbye. I could not face him.
Even then I could not cry.
Next Monday morning I received some mail, the return address unknown.
"A note from your beloved" It read.
"Tess, were do I start with Tess. Your smile amazes me, your compliments uplift me. You're my princess. I'll always watch over you. I love you"
My trapped tears unleashed, falling harder than ever. Tony had said he loved me.
28th July 2006. My best friend Tony died. I remember his smile, his shining intense eyes, I remember his touch, and his wonderful and memorable laugh. I remember how I loved him and still do. Almost summer time and the air filled with the smell of freshly cut grass, the city buildings tall and still. Time stopped when we were together. He used to hold my hand, and his grasp on mine seemed never ending.
"A rare sight to see Tony smile" people would say, and this was true. He didn't have things easy. He lost his mother, his father was aggressive, no siblings to hide with, on anti-depressants and stuck in a dead end job. He had the world against him. He smiled when I was there. Tony had a certain poetic being about him and complimented the world around him but never once did I hear his tender voice compliment himself.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Hospital machines a familiar sound. My fourth trip to the hospital to see my friend lie still. Mutterings behind me, the doctors knew him well. An overdose they told me, a suicide attempt. I simply held his hand in mine, and whispered in his ear "I'll be back my darling, tomorrows morning I'll be here".
Then I could not cry.
I told him how I love him, how I need his special touch, how every second without him was simply far too much. Walking home together through the city streets. The buildings tall and still. The smell of freshly cut grass was gone. We said goodnight and parted. We went our separate ways. The streets I walked were quiet then. All I could think of was him.
Then I could not cry.
The weeks after the previous trip to the hospital seemed endless. Like time itself had stopped. His threats of suicide became more frequent; his poetic charm was lost amongst his words. Fowl words. He took up a filthy habit we call it drink and drugs. The boy I knew was distant forever lying still. An unbearable effect this had on me, thoughts spinning in my head.
We spent his last night talking, his constant threats a routine. I ignored them all. I told him how I love him, how I need his special touch, how every second without him is simply far too much. I told him he should sleep on it, he told me life's untrue. I plainly said "I love you." The land of dreams was calling. I couldn't stay awake. My eyelids slowly closing. I had given in.
I woke up late next morning, all was quiet and still. The technology that lay next to me shone bright. I'd received a text. Clocks ticking, minds spinning, Tony was okay! Heart lifted, eyes widening, Tony was okay! Clocks ticking, minds calming, Tony was okay! Text open, words exposed. Tony wasn't okay. I remember those words to this day. They read:
"Tess, Tony's gone. His threats were real. OMG you OK? Get back to me ASAP baby xxxxxxxxx Vix"
Then I could not cry.
Clocks ticking. Loudly. Mind spinning. Frantically. Heart sinking. Heavy. Eyes closing. Not real.
his funeral came so suddenly. His friends, no family surrounding me. I sat still and quiet. everything had always been, still and quiet. The people around me shed tears and said goodbye. I could not face him.
Even then I could not cry.
Next Monday morning I received some mail, the return address unknown.
"A note from your beloved" It read.
"Tess, were do I start with Tess. Your smile amazes me, your compliments uplift me. You're my princess. I'll always watch over you. I love you"
My trapped tears unleashed, falling harder than ever. Tony had said he loved me.
